BREADCRUMBS

“I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don’t notice it. People think pleasing God is all God cares about. But any fool living in the world can see it always trying to please us back.”

-Alice Walker, The Color Purple

With the conclusion of 2025, I reflected on my previous essay, Purple Encounters. Full of questions. Even doubts if what I wrote was just a temporary bandage to get through year one? Do we still find refuge in Keanu’s favorite color, purple? Does it still symbolize his spirit watching over us? What could I take with me as we enter year two this May? Another round of birthdays, family outings and holidays came along, but Keanu was not here to blow out his candles, join in our family group hugs or take pictures that showcased his beautiful smile and personality. “In Remembrance” instead of “Celebrating” is used on missed milestones like what would have been his 7th birthday on January 25th, Sorrow suffocates me even while grocery shopping. He is not here to push the cart or sit inside it and say “cheeeeeeese” – which was my cue to grab a pack of Polly-O whole milk mozzarella string cheese sticks and give him one (or many) to snack on as we shopped.

But after re-reading that essay, as well as journal notes of occurrences from 2025, of signs or symbols rooted from the color purple, or resonated because of the connections between Keanu and the number 5, I realized that I collected a hefty amount of evidence of his essence living on. Transcending death. Our encounters have not diminished, but rather deepened. For example, the lilac bush (pictured above) that I had planted in the garden of our apartment building complex. I always stop and appreciate it upon my departure and arrival home. Creating a space for Keanu to be encountered daily, for myself and the community. A symbol that he is not here, yet he is everywhere. Here are more. My Top 5 Keanu Encounters of 2025:

1. Ty Louis Campbell Foundation – Muddy Puddles Mess Fest event for childhood cancer research, spearheaded by Cindy Campbell. Cindy is also the program director at Children’s Brain Tumor Project (CBTP). Her beautiful boy Ty gained his wings, like Keanu, at 5 years old. Cindy has also championed my writing Keanu’s Korner for CBTP. I volunteered at Mess Fest and was assigned to the beauty tent to apply nail polish at this family friendly event. Where “kids get to just be kids – in honor of those who can’t.” Initially I was unsure how my grief would show up during this occasion. But I quickly settled into the fun and joy of the atmosphere. My first customer asked for her nails to be painted purple, her favorite color. As I searched for the perfect shade of purple, I whispered under my breath “Love You Keanu,” and to my delight, the little girl gave me the sweetest smile of assurance to proceed.
2. I had an opportunity to collaborate with Tisha Trapp Jewelry, an autism awareness brand where each named piece of jewelry is devoted to an amazing individual with autism. Keanu’s connection to the autism community gets to live on through The Keanu bracelet. The design of course has purple, with gold beads (to represent childhood cancer and gold sneakers he wore during treatment!) with proceeds from the sales donated to CBTP. But what truly resonated, were the photos of people wearing his bracelet. Feeling Keanu’s love, strength and good vibes come through.
3. Most are familiar with the phrase “roses are red, violets are blue.” But did you know that violets are also five-petaled perennial flowers that come in a range of colors, including purple? Despite its small size and fragile look, the violet stands strong and continues to bloom year after year…just like my mother Violeta. I can’t believe it took me this long to connect the dots! She is the embodiment of “big things come in small packages.” Despite everything life exposed her to, she carved her path in all of her diverse environments. An immigrant from the Philippines, who established her life in Queens, NYC as a nursing professional. Adopting and raising me as a single parent. Balancing being the sole provider and nurturer. She helped raise both of my boys. Even now in her later years, our family and her deep connection to Keanu remains steadfast. (The picture is of our friend Caitlin wearing her Keanu bracelet by a patch of violets.)
4. Kameka, mom’s dog of 15 years passed away on October 5th. Kameka’s name, like Keanu’s, is of Hawaiian origin, and means “the one and only.” On our way to mom’s to bury Kameka in the backyard, an orange colored butterfly caught my eye and followed alongside our car. Now my initial thought was “that butterfly has no business flying in the midst of busy Northern Boulevard.” There were no trees, flowers or parks in the direction we were driving. Then I remembered the date! It was the 5th day of the 10th month. In Purple Encounters I mention that we honor Keanu everyday at 5:10 p.m., referred to as “Kiki Time,” the time he entered “heaven’s playground.” That butterfly represented Kiki’s spirit heading to greet Kameka’s. Their playground became a lot more fun because they were reunited. To play fetch and chase each other around. Just a kid being a kid, and now with his best pal.
5. “The mother on the webinar today gave me a fresh burst of energy to follow up with you. She was so brave…it makes me feel a part of a “clan”, those who fight back at an illness because it cost them so much.” This was feedback from a woman who listened to me speak at the DICER1 Registry Symposium and Family Meeting. My discussion focused on Keanu’s Type 3 Pleuropulmonary Blastoma (PPB) cancer diagnosis and the relation to mutation in his DICER1 gene. How it prompted our family to undergo genetic testing to help identify at-risk individuals because PPB and other childhood cancers are caused by DNA changes passed from parent to children. When I learned I had a pathogenic mutation in the DICER1 gene, my first move involved enrolling in a genetics and personalized cancer prevention program to monitor my health. As a parent and now patient advocate with DICER1 syndrome, it’s critical that I highlight the importance of early detection of hereditary cancer related genes. It can save lives because if the gene disorder is detected at its earliest stage, the higher the survival and recovery from cancer, especially for children. To be given a platform with an audience of DICER1 syndrome patients, healthcare/ research professionals and parents’ whose children are still undergoing the long, difficult journey against “The Emperor of All Maladies” (title of book by Siddhartha Mukherjee, a biography of cancer), was an emotionally draining undertaking. Especially with the meeting occurring in the month of May, when childhood cancer awareness and Keanu’s one year remembrance coincided. During my speech, grief was unfolding in real time (and it didn’t help when my own technical difficulties kicked in and gave my nervous system a run for its money) and I struggled, but I Finished! From this experience, I gained a wider perspective. Instead of being stuck in guilt and shame for unknowingly passing this genetic disorder to Keanu, I now can be pro-active and prevent future generations from experiencing a tragedy like ours. Link to my perspective on DICER1: https://vimeo.com/1084261894/fb429d1171

Keanu’s breadcrumbs don’t lead me out of grief, but rather through it. A quiet defiance of the void. Not meaning. Not justification. Just evidence. And sometimes, on days when nothing feels solid, evidence is enough. His breadcrumbs are too powerful to ignore. It’s on me to permit the way Keanu shows his love to pass over me and through me because although his earthly stay was fleeting, I Am Still His Mother and Our Connection is Infinite.

I dedicate this essay to my eldest son Ayrton and husband Frank. January is an emotionally complex month for our family. Starting with Ayrton’s birthday, closing with our wedding anniversary. And in between are Keanu’s cancer diagnosis date and birthday.

They are the ones actually in the arena with me. Striving, amongst their own grief, to live deliberately. “Who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or short coming, but who knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly.”

– Theodore Roosevelt

Kris, Ayrton, Frank and Kiki